Model for Resolving Conflict

By Susan Heitler

Phase One: Express Views

Phase Two: Explore Concerns

Phase Three: Select Mutually Satisfying Solutions

Phase One: Express Views

Each person fully states their views regarding the conflict. Both listen respectfully to each other’s views.
When perspectives are clearly stated, sometimes people discover there is no conflict after all. The perceived conflict was merely a result of misunderstanding.
If each person’s commitment to his or her preferences is strong enough, and the positions still seem to conflict, they may deadlock at this level. When deadlock occurs, they move to Phase Two of the conflict-resolution model.

Phase Two: Explore Concerns

The persons explore the concerns that underlie their positions—their feelings, wishes, fears, memories, likes, dislikes, and values.
The focus is on understanding and accepting the other person’s concerns and on explaining one’s own concerns clearly.
If concerns seem incompatible and resolution is not forthcoming, they may need to explore the concerns in greater depth, using good communication skills. (Don’t use criticism, defensiveness, or other argumentative stances. Instead, use tactfulness, listen to understand each other, be affectionate, and try to foster good will towards each other).
When this phase is successful, the people will broaden the frame of the problem from “what I want” and “what you want” to “what we would like.” They assume that any concern of one is important to the other.
Sometimes a solution will become obvious when both have verbalized their underlying concerns.
If a solution does not become obvious then they move to Phase Three.

Phase Three: Select Mutually Satisfying Solutions

The persons brainstorm possibilities, writing down every idea that comes to mind.
Then they can look for the solution that best addresses the most important concerns and modify or augment the solution until it has components to meet the concerns of each person.
Each person focuses on what he or she can do to address the most important concerns rather than trying to determine what the other person can do.
They should build a solution set rather than simply finding a or the solution.
Don’t decide on a solution until both feel good and settled about it. If either person has any unresolved concerns the couple may need to go back to step two again and explore the underlying concerns.
Finding a solution can be surprisingly easy if the persons have thoroughly and cooperatively explored their underlying concerns.
Conflict resolution often does not occur in orderly sequence from Phase One to Phase Three. A couple may need to move their discussion back and forth between all three phases.